She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
