you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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