If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Randomize
