So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
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