kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
I wish you could order shots online.
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
Randomize
