Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
I'm gunna send you baby bottles of vodka for those nights when you just give up
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
