I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Randomize