I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
Randomize