Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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