He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
