I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
my paper on vitamins just turned into a 2 hour tangent google search on what i should buy to best cure a hangover. I need to stop getting high before homework
Just don't let me get too drunk. At one point I pulled out my dick and pissed at that party. Like on the wall.
Randomize
