I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
