You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
