Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
Champagne is a vitamin, right?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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