How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Randomize
