I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
