i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
