He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
Well I just put wine in my tea
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
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