if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
We fucked to techno music while he wore shin guards... best sex ever.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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