I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
