im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
