my phone needs a breathalizer
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
I need moral support for this bender
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
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