I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
Randomize
