Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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