YEA!!! I'll throw you a non-baby shower.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize