don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
We're too hungover to prance.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
Randomize
