I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
Randomize
