The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
