i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
