Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
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