They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
