I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
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