So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
