I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
I want someone to please me without me having to show him steps 1 through 5
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
The inside of my nose has felt like the guy's face falling off from raiders of the lost ark all week
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
