Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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