He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
