her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So squirting runs in the family.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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