My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Whatever. That's why I am to be babied like a calf. I regret nothing.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
