Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Randomize
