I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
After he came, he took a two minute power nap and then fucked me for another 45 minutes. He is a machine!
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
