Fine. I'll sleep in my office
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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