New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy
enjoy the hospital
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
You can't be friends with my side piece. Conflict of interest.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
