I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
