I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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