I hate your face
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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