3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
