I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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