I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
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