i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
