if i can run in heels then i can drive
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
