I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
So if I get kidnapped from my office and go missing for a few days does that count against my vacation days and do I still get paid?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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