Goodnight sugar queer
Sugar queer??
Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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