I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Of course I'll be there. I never miss an opportunity to smell like cigarettes, cheap beer, and shame.
Randomize
