I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
im In safeway buying a bottle of Ciroc in short shorts at 3:00 pm on a Monday, yeah I don't know either.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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