why didn't you poke me back
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
I can't turn off my feet"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
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