Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Apparently you make a good broom.
I just threw up on my dentist
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I don't know which is weirder: that she was old enough to have a live-in son close to my age, or that the woman he was with was close to hers
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