You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
Randomize
