I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
Randomize
