Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
