I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
Could’ve gone my whole life not seeing a man snort coke off another man’s cock... but there it is...
You left your phone here
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